I feel like I cannot unsmell what happened at my house this morning. It involves an upset puppy tummy and…well, a fury backside that sometimes gets in the way.
Did I just talk about furry dog behind and dookie on my blog? YES I TOTALLY JUST DID.
Listen. Shit happens. And sometimes shit happens to your dog the first things in the morning as you’re getting ready for work. And you’re the only one that can deal with it because your husband just left, running late with the high schooler. The 11yo is very little help because DOGPOOP. Also, if you don’t leave right then SHE is going to be late for school. And the doggy-wipes you thought might work, aren’t working at all. In fact, it’s the opposite of working and it probably made things worse.
So the only thing to do is have the 11yo put the dog-kennel in the garage. Except, the dog DOESN’T UNDERSTAND STINKY YOUR BUTT IS STINKY and is losing her ever-loving mind over being in the garage. Because, obviously, the pampered princess doesn’t BELONG in the garage.
At this point, you laugh and laugh on the inside (only the inside) about the conversation you just had the evening before with all the parents of BOTH softball teams and how adorable your dog is and how everyone loves your dog, blah blah blah POOPYBUTTDOG.
Now, you may or may not call your husband in a bit of a rage. It’s not your finest moment, but who else are you going to take it out on? You know that you have to go home and change your clothes and deal with this. You also know that you are now going to be super late for work. OH! And then there’s that thing of cleaning up really gross dog mess on the backside of said dog.
To be perfectly honest, the conversation doesn’t go well for you at all. And you’re thisclose to shoving a certain dog kennel into your car somehow and driving to a dog groomer type place so that they can deal with all of this for you. Until you realize that nothing is open. So it’s back to square one.
Or, you know, all up to you and your Poop Whisperer talents.
There’s no way you have time to give the dog a full bath. So you arm yourself with dog shampoo, old rags and a pitcher of water and head to backyard. Where there is a poopy dog frolicking in the grass. Because YES you let her run free outside after the garage/kennel debacle. But then you’re going to realize what an idiot you are because now you have to CATCH an overly excited, poopy butt dog.
Because of course.
Eventually the dog is caught. And you continue to traumatize her by trying to de-poopify her bum. You’re both going to feel a bit violated after this process (finally!) ends. And as you clean everything else off as she dries outside, you’re going to laugh at her pathetic whining at the screen door, because how dare you be inside while she is not.
Well, dog. Some of us need to sterilize all the things including ourselves.
We won’t even talk about the second shower you’ll need to take…or the botched order at Starbucks when all you want is a damn latte…or the smell that still hasn’t left your nose. But once again, you’re going to tell yourself and anyone who will listen: It’s a damn good things she’s cute.