The Newsletter of Malkav #4 May 2003 _______________ Desk of Contents: 1. Introduction 2. Fiction (or is it?) 3. V:TES stuff 4. Et Cetera & So Forth 5. To Be Continued ______________________________ 1. Introduction ______________________________ Well, I did it. I managed to sneak the May newsletter in at the very end of the month. :) In this month's newsletter, I take a dirty look at Anarchs cards that can fit in with various Malkavian decks. I even go so far as to make an Anarch deck that unites the Camarilla and Sabbat Malkavians under the same Independent sect. Maybe by the next newsletter I'll be able to figure out how best to go anarch and use those nifty cards. I'll be taking in-depth looks at cards in due time. Sorry to say, there isn't a poll for this month's newsletter. There didn't seem to be a whole lot of people giving me answers. But, don't worry, I'll inevitably think up something else fun to add to this newsletter. And don't forget to take the time to read the Fiction. Let me know if you like it or if you just consider it something to scroll past to get to V:TES stuff. Enjoy! ______________________________ 2. Fiction (or is it?) ______________________________ Chapter 4: The Lair of Scourge the Grotesque There was a frantic beating at the front door. It was your typical, urgent *bam*bam*bam*bam*bam* (the kind of sound that implies that the person on the other side is currently being hunted down by a pack of Lupines and has managed to ditch them just long enough to reach the sanctity of your haven only to find the door locked as a piercing howl rips through the night as if to say, "I've picked up his scent! The hunt is on! The hunt is on!") Todd sat in front of the television and tried his best to ignore the sound. *BAM*BAM*BAM*BAM*BAM* came the beating a second time, harsher, more desperate and with two fists instead of one. Todd gave a disgusted grunt and got up off the couch, walked over to the archaic television and turned a knob clockwise as far as it would go; the TV volume drowned out the incessent knocking nicely. Satisfied, Todd ambled over to the couch and threw himself back onto it in the practiced ways that only True Laziness could bestow. The knocking became a riot as the doorbell was added to the cacaphony as well as some kicking and screaming. Assuring himself that it was only a determined salesman, Todd sat up and crossed his arms in an annoyed fashion. He really didn't want to miss his favorite show, especially not now that they were showing a new commercial for some sort of kitchen appliance. "It stirs! It mixes! It beats! This handy-dandy gadget does the work of all of THESE appliances all in one and all at once! Throw away that kitchen clutter and cook more clever!" Todd glanced over at the kitchen and indeed noted that it was as cluttered as could be. But one of these days he'd get around to cleaning it up, just as soon as he cleared a walkway. By the time the commercial was over, the knocking riot had escalated into a some sort of conducted symphany using the doorbell, various kicks, and an atrocious caterwauling. "Todd! For goodness' sakes, answer the door!!!" came a miffed voice from somewhere in the basement and coming up through the ventalation shafts. "Alright!!!!" Todd screamed back over the noise. He threw a pillow to the floor in a small tantrum and stomped over to the door, ready to throw it open and punch someone in the face. As the tips of his fingers touched the doorknob, the noise died suddenly. "About time," Todd said through gritted teeth, his fangs extended. He turned his head back at the television in anticipation as he heard a commercial for a metal detector come on. He hadn't seen one of those in a long time! Suddenly the door behind him was knocked down and he was knocked over by someone cannonballing through the doorway and landing on top of him. "Get off of me!" Todd hissed, his gaze still locked onto the television screen. "No time for that!" Waldo shouted over the noise as he rolled to his feet. "Where's Brian?" "Downstairs, as usual." Todd said, he was already on the couch in a comfortable position, transfixed by the television. Waldo was surprised at his supernatural speed and even more suprised at how he managed to use it to maximize his laziness. "Don't call me Brian!!!" the voice from the ventalation shaft demanded. "It's 'Scourge the Grotesque!'" Waldo crept up to the basement stairs and looked down. It was dark down in there. Anyone could be lurking down there, even They could be down there. He decided he was desperate enough to need help, and so made his way down the cold cement steps. He stopped halfway down and squinted in the darkness. The only light came from a Flintstones night light plugged in on the far side of the room with a dirty shirt thrown over top. It wasn't much help. "Brian, where are you?" Waldo whispered. Brian's basement was the type of room one could call a "lair", it was dark, damp and had an odor that could have been repugnant in days of yor, but now only smelled faintly musty with a nice lemony scent. "I'm to the left, hiding the hideousness that is my visage." Brian's voice was deep and phlemy, like a tuburculous patient with a nasty cough. Waldo made his way down the last few steps and scanned the dark recesses of the basement. "Is there any way we can get a light on? I'm afraid I might step on a large reptile or something." "No! No lights! Just tell me what it is that you want quickly and without delay, then leave and count yourself blessed that I choose darkness for a mask." "Ah, here's the light switch." There was an audible and wretched gasp from Brian as Waldo flicked the lights on. The whole basement was flooded with full flourescents, the lights overhead covered almost the entire ceiling and were of almost every make and type, all artistically hand-blown glass. Brian's gasp changed to a shriek as he fumbled a towel in his hands before throwing it over his head. Waldo looked around at the lair of Scourge the Grotesque. It was neat and tidy with cartoon memorabilia on shelves and glass figurines hanging from strings which reflected the light in an array of colors. There was one remarkably strange thing and that was the broken mirrors left lying around. "Would you take that towel off your head, Brian?" Waldo asked. "No! The curse of the Nosferatu runs deep through my veins!" Waldo walked over and pulled the towel off Brian's head and tossed it onto the neatly made bed he was cowering next to. Brian's hands criss-crossed in front of his face, but they slowly dropped as he gave up trying to hide his face. Waldo took a good look at Brian. He was neither exceptionally ugly nor notably handsome and far from hideously disfigured. In other words, he was your average Malkavian. "You have seen the face of Scourge the Grotesque, now you can go back to your friends and boast of your bravery." "Yeah, yeah, I don't have time for theatrics. Someone's out to kill me and I need your help!" "Really?" Brian asked as he stood up and brushed off his starched and ironed pants. "Who is it tonight? The Order of Hermes Cabal? The President of the United States? Saturanians?" "I don't know who it is!" "Well, that's a first. Did they not give you their business card this time around." "No, this is for real... though they could be working for The President. He DID give me a suspicious look the last speech he gave." "How is that possible? He was on television for goodness' sakes!" "The government has their ways!" "Sorry, I can't help you, you'll need to go see a psychologist. Now, if you excuse me, I'm a busy man." Brian said as he picked up the towel from off of the bed and covered his head with it again. "Brian! Brian, listen to me!" Brian put the palms of his hands over the towel where his ears would be. "Lalalalalalala, I can't hear you!" Waldo tried to pull Brian's arms off his ears but Brian was very good at keeping them there. Waldo gave up in disgust and almost turned to leave, but then he stopped and smiled. "Scourge!" The lalalalala-ing from Brian came to a stop. "Scourge the Grotesque. I need your help." Brian's hands came off his ears. "What help could a hideously deformed Nosferatu possibly provide?" his voice was phlemy and deep-throated again. "Any help at this point would be very welcomed." Waldo looked to his right and saw Girbo-fin there. He gave the floating fish a nod. He turned his attention back to Brian. "But listen, I think the first thing that would help the most would be to find out who these people are and what they want from me. And Nosferatu are suppose to know a lot and be able to uncover all sorts of secrets, right?" "Well, I suppose we ARE fairly good at that sort of stuff." "Wonderful. See, the problem is I think the people after me are Nosferatu." "You've got to be kidding." The look on Brian's face would have been flat and indignant... it it weren't for the fact that he still had a towel covering it. "Well, they are rather ugly..." "But not as hideous as Scourge the Deformed!" Brian shouted and threw back his towel, giving Waldo a wicked grimace. "Oh, no, of course not! No one could be as cruely afflicted as Scourge..." Waldo muttered something under his breath. "What did you say?" Brian asked, squinting one eye and turning an ear toward Waldo. "Uh! Nothing! And... uh, anyway, you remember that apartment I found?" "Yeah, what about it?" "The first time these guys came after me, they smashed their way in and grabbed me. I narrowly escaped and they've been on my trail all night." "That's bad news." "Why is that?" "Nosferatu don't tend to smash and grab. We're more likely to use skullduggery and subtlety. The fact that they're using such brutish tactics clearly show how important it is to get their hands on you." "But why? I never saw them before!" "Well, was there anything distinctive about them? 'Nosferatu' is a rather vague description to go on." "Hm..." Waldo put his finger to his chin as if thinking deeply. He looked over at Girbo-fin, but the fish only shrugged. "Well, the guy who grabbed me had bad breath." "ALL vampires have bad breath." "Oh yeah...Well, he was also wearing a small round hat and a black coat." "Small round hat!? You mean a bowler hat, right?" Waldo nodded. "Er... did they ALL happen to be wearing small round hats?" Waldo nodded again. "We have to get out of here!" Brian shouted, a look of fear in his eyes. "Why, what's the matter? Who are these guys?" Waldo asked, but before Brian could say anything there was a polite, but powerful, knocking from the door upstairs. Brian's eyes went wider than Waldo thought possible. Brian ran for the steps and shouted in warning: "Todd! Todd!" Todd's voice came from upstairs, "You don't have to shout!!! I'll get ..." there was a sound like the door had exploded. ______________________________ 3. V:TES Stuff ______________________________ With the release of Anarachs, there are quite a number of good cards and many that fit in well with a Malkavian based deck. Jeremy Talbot - 4 cap Malkavian with [dem] and [obf] as well as the possibility to gain (or burn) a blood on your untap. Quentin King III - The advanced version! No longer a Prince by himself, but he has [AUS], [DEM], and [OBF]! When merged with his base version, he can burn a blood to get +1 bleed. Handy for those sneaky bleeders out there. General Perfido Dios - Malkavian Antitribu Bishop with [AUS], [obf], [dem]. Does guard duty sometimes. Blowtorch - 1 aggravated as a strike, like a mini Flamethrower for half the cost! Body Bag - If you really hate getting rushed, play possum the anarch way! Ghouled - Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Highway Haven: RV - Anyone taking a (d) action against this vampire doesn't untap on their next turn. Could be handy... Improvised Tactics - if you play combat and have [aus] you might be able to get a lot of cards into your hand. Magazine - a great addition to gun-toting combat ideas. The Mole - Mostly for those Group 1 Malks out there, [dom] will let you tap to cancel a bleed from a younger non-anarch. Petra Resonance - A wacky card with random affects, like an Action version of some sort of Malkavian Prank. Skullduggery - [obf]: bleed at +1 stealth with an optional maneuver if you're blocked. Smash and Grab - Yea! A dementation card! [dem]: bleed at +1 bleed. Stolen Police Cruiser - This has Malkavian written all over it. +1 bleed, allies/younger vamps get -1 intercept. No pool cost, but it can be burned as a (d) that costs 1 pool. I wonder if you can fit Tasha and Mr. Simmons in the back seat with laptops, blowtorches, and go on a wild ride! ----------------- Featured Deck Deck Name: "Malkavians Go Anarch, or: The Gangrel Don't Have to Have ALL the Fun!" Date Created: May 30th, 2003 Description: It's a light sneak and bleed deck, but it's based around having fun with the new Anarch cards. Crypt (12 vampires) Vasantasena [AUS, DEM, OBF, dom, pot] (9) William Biltmore [AUS, DEM, OBF, THA, dom] (9) Theron [AUS, DEM, OBF, for, obt] (8) Quentin King III (Advanced) [AUS, DEM, OBF, pre, cel] (7) Quentin King III (Advanced) [AUS, DEM, OBF, pre, cel] (7) Dolphin Black [AUS, DEM, OBF] (6) Dolphin Black [AUS, DEM, OBF] (6) Artemis [DEM, OBF, aus, cel, for] (6) Claven [aus, dem, obf] (4) Yorik [dem, obf] (3) Jeremy Talbot [dem, obf] (3) Jeremy Talbot [dem, obf] (3) Library (80 cards) Masters (11) Galaric's Legacy x4 Asylum Hunting Ground Institution Hunting Ground Blood Doll x2 Minion Tap x3 Actions (22) Kindred Spirits x2 Madman's Quill x2 Skullduggery x4 Smash and Grab x4 Leather Jacket x2 Blowtorch x4 Improvised Flamethrower x2 Stolen Police Cruiser Reactions (12) Wake with Evening's Freshness x6 Telepathic Misdirection x6 Action Modifiers (22) Confusion x6 Eyes of Chaos x6 Lost in Crowds x4 Faceless Night x3 Elder Impersonation x3 Combat (12) Fake Out x6 Disguised Weapon x4 Coma Reality Mirror Combination (1) Deny Notes: This deck may not be all that great in combat, but it can certainly let people know that it is far from defenseless. There isn't a HUGE amount of stealth, but there's enough there to get your bleeds through. The bleeds won't all be for large amounts, if you want that, use Dominate. Remember, this is to have fun with Anarchs, so go out and smash something. Post Script: Make sure to tell plenty of Gangrel jokes as you play this... and Misdirect all bleeds over to the Gangrel player - whether he's your Prey or not - just to see him growl and slobber all over himself. Post Post Script: Watch out not to get Gangrels too mad, they like to scratch. ______________________________ 4. Et Cetera & So Forth ______________________________ Last Month's Poll The last V:TES game I played was a one-on-one game using Salubri versus the Salubri Antitribu. Regardless of my Fortitude, I lost the match due to a Meat Hook of Righteousness which pretty much burned all my vampires. Q: If you were walking down a dark alley and were confronted by a man wearing a trenchcoat and wielding a flaming Meat Hook of Righteousness, what would you do? (choose any that apply) a) Make for the fire escape. b) Daunt him by informing him that Meat Hook will no longer have infinite presses by June. c) Strike: Combat Ends. d) Destroy it with first strike. e) Maneuver to Long Range with a concealed gun. The results are in and the totals are tallied. a) 0 b) 2 c) 0 d) 0 e) 1 f) 1 Yes, I realize there was no "f)" listed, but someone voted for it anyway.* ______________________________ 5. To Be Continued ______________________________ So, we come to another end of another newsletter. What will June bring us? Who knows. And once The Black Hand is released, I'm sure we'll have plenty more to keep us all interested. Until then, send any comments, questions, articles, salacious offerings, humerous anecdotes, deck ideas, Gangrel jokes, and green salads to: Timmy@e-garfield.com -t!MmY, the mad !nker *My apologies to anyone's votes not counted from the White Wolf forums. They don't seem to archive posts very long. This newsletter was written by a ficticious person in a ficticious plane of existence. Any resemblences to any real persons or planes of existences is coincidential and utterly mpossible. This newsletter may be archived, transmitted, stored, eaten, or copied in any way you wish as long as it is kept in its entirety. Not responsible for exploding newsletters or suspicious looks from Presidents giving speeches on TV.