MALK & KOOKIES The Malkavian Tabloid Vol.1 Iss.7 - NOVEMBER - TeeHee! Well, it’s about time all of you loyal readers congratulate these wack-a-day malarkers. Yes, the Malkavians (with the help of their Antitribu brothers in West Palm Beach County - Florida, you know, Miami - Sabbat Stronghold - ya dig?) have pulled off a great, great prank. Seems fitting that this is covered in Issue 7 - "7" being known traditionally as the number of perfection. And, all in all, I regard this as one of their greatest yet. Pranks, that is. This issue will probably suck like West Palm Floridians eating soup through their dentures. But anyway, my hats (yes, all of them) are off to these beautiful bastards. Enjoy! IN THIS ISSUE: TELEPATHIC VOTE COUNTING VOTER CAPTIVATION DELAYING TACTICS MEDIA INFLUENCE MIND OF A CHILD HOW TO LIVE ON .01 LITERS A NIGHT POET’S CORNER DECK OF THE MONTH CARD OF THE MONTH TELEPATHIC VOTE COUNTING By Leandro Thank you, thank you, thank you. I want to thank everyone in my clan for making this a success: Damaskenos, Victoria, that guy with the hair, the lady that farts all the time, and Squiggy. The rest of you have a lot of catching up to do. It’s time for some Consanguineous Boons, and you guys need to get on top of it. I know there’s some concern about the new-found strength of the Sabbat schmucks, so you’re going to need a little strategic advice. Now one of the biggest obstacles is facing some super-voting bitch. Usually some bastard Cardinal or Regent that is Legendary in their own mind. I cannot stress enough how important it is to tell them to shut their lousy trap. This is easily done by conducting business in a Closed Session. None of their business, and if they stick their nose into it, let Greger pick it for them with a Wolf Claw. But how do you deal with some punk-ass non-clan Prince or even, dare I say it, some Etrius bitch? (Yeah you Etrius, I’m calling you out, if Tremere will even let you out of Vienna, Sausage!) Nice way to do it is to try some Telepathic Vote Counting. Shuts them up right quick. The nice thing is, sometimes the other bitches like to try this shite on us. Guess what we do? It’s so much fun when Kindred Coercion forces their little wooble-headed mongrel to vote how we say they vote. The secondary way to use Telepathic Vote Counting is to screw with those dingbat Ventrue. "I’m gonna use the Elder Kindred Network against you!" Well BOO-HOO little smarty-pants, we fooled all of you! Fooly fooly fooly! Alright, I’m outta here. I got some IC business to take care of, and I need to hurt some people making transfers. Word. VOTER CAPTIVATION By Cornelius Ottavio Sometimes Leandro and I get thirsty. So you better fill us back up, or I’m telling Mom. MOM! DELAYING TACTICS By Damaskenos Leandro asked me to talk to you about Delaying Tactics. Before we get to that, let me tell you how hard it is to be a Herald. Back when I was a mortal (yes, one of the Nelsons, those pop-rock long blonde-haired twins - ed.), it was hard to get up in the morning. Now, wouldn’t you know it, it’s completely the opposite! Actually, it’s not. No wait, it is. Anyway, the thing is, you wouldn’t believe what I have to do in a given night. Say this, proclaim that, usher in this, denounce that. Anyway, Delaying Tactics can be quite useful. Especially when - hold on a second, I’ve got another call coming in. Can I call you back? This line is really breaking up... MEDIA INFLUENCE By Ohanna Media Influence? What are you asking me for? Let me rephrase that: WHAT ARE YOU ASKING ME FOR? WHO SENT YOU? WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR? TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME! Oh damn, I guess you weren’t sired yesterday. NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME! MIND OF A CHILD By Hannibal Tee hee! I’ve been busy. I’ve been so busy. Guess where? You’ll never guess where. Never. Okay, I’ll tell you. Oregon. That’s right, Oregon. Not Florida. Did you know the kine all vote by mail in Oregon? Tee hee! When did this happen? Tee hee! We had nothing to do with Florida. Tee hee! I need a snack. Where did Ohanna go? HOW TO LIVE ON .01 LITERS A NIGHT By Normal Down. I’m so down man. Things are tough man, tough like tough things are. Ozmo completely reamed Creed and it made me cry. I cried tears of blood, man. It hurts inside. Oh yeah, I’m also staked to a rooftop. Things are hard, man. Tough. It’s getting brighter. POET’S CORNER By Zebulon You are my sunshine My only sunshine You make me happy When skies are gray You’ll never know, dear How much I love you Please don’t take my sunshine away DECK OF THE MONTH By Sylvester Simms SUPERPRANK, SHE’S A SUPERPRANK, SHE’S SUPERPRANKIN’, OWW! (to the Rick James tune) CRYPT: 3 Gilbert 3 Ohanna 3 Normal 3 Brazil MASTER 10 Parthenon 70 Malkavian Prank ACTION 10 Rumors of Gehenna Yep. Get out Gilbert. Don’t block anything. Play as many Pranks as you possibly can. Fun. CARD OF THE MONTH By Ozmo Wooden Stake. Yep. Gotta be Wooden Stake this month. Tickle me +1. It’s amazing what a little Auspex can do against a weenie obfuscating little beeyoch. Hey Normal, to quote the current kings of pop, "Bye bye bye."