Malk & Kookies Vol.1 Iss.3 Well, I guess I have finally recovered from DragonCon enough to put together another issue of the Malkavian tabloid, written by Malkavians for anyone unfortunate enough to be in range. I've been living on Totino's Party Pizzas (@ $1.00 apiece), so my brain is not in its most nourished state. I'm broke. I spent all my money at DragonCon on cab rides, food which required an hour-long wait in line, and the pick-up tournament @ $10 a game. Speaking of the pick-up tournament, Norm, I paid you the entrance fees, what were the results? Who won the 3 cases of Sabbat? Swamp Archon, when I paid you for the tenth round, you said I was in the lead. Get back to me on that. Oh well, I guess I can just move to Atlanta and be a taxi cab driver. These guys are the biggest f;;;in crooks! Anyway, the Malks really wanted to do a "How to" issue, so.enjoy? Next month we'll have some featured cards from the filthy Gangrel Lover Greg Faulkner - if he can send them to me again. -Mike IN THIS ISSUE: How to drive a cab How to cheat people How to drive a cab and cheat people How to drive a cab after you've killed the cab driver How to trick someone in your playgroup to wait in line at Wendy's for 2 hours How to kill someone in your playgroup after they tricked you to WILAWF2H How to win a constructed deck tournament How to sucker someone into paying for pick-up games How to cheat your guests (if you are a Sheraton Hotel) How to express bitterness, rage, and despair as light comedy Card of the Month HOW TO DRIVE A CAB: By Zebulon Step 1: Dominate some Kine. Step 2: Make them drive you around. Step 3: If you're in a hurry, ghoul them to drive faster. (I can't drive a cab. I'm "as blind as a bat, while you have sight". Sheez. I'm not even supposed to be writing this. I'm the featured poet in "Poet's Corner".) HOW TO CHEAT PEOPLE: By Dr. Jest Step 1: Tell them one thing. Step 2: Do another. (Wait a minute. You're supposed to get some money from them, somewhere between steps 1 & 2. Hmm, screw this. Discard that.) HOW TO DRIVE A CAB AND CHEAT PEOPLE: By Yorik Step 1: Move to Atlanta. That about covers it. Oh wait, I forgot to add the following: leave the meter off and add hidden charges. HOW TO DRIVE A CAB AFTER KILLING THE CAB DRIVER: By Yorik (me again, alas poor me) Step 1: Move to Atlanta. Step 2: Do it. HOW TO TRICK SOMEONE IN YOUR PLAYGROUP TO WAIT IN LINE AT WENDY'S FOR TWO HOURS By Watenda Step 1: Say something like, "But I'm in the finals!" Step 2: If they try to say something back, cancel it. Step 3: Keep Step 1-ing. HOW TO KILL SOMEONE IN YOUR PLAYGROUP AFTER THEY TRICKED YOU TO WILAWF2H By Virgil Step 1: Dodge. Step 2: Additional Strike. Step 3: Coma Step 4: Amaranth. (Don't &*^$ with me, I'm a Bishop!) HOW TO WIN A CONSTRUCTED DECK TOURNAMENT: By Normal Step 1: Misdirect. Step 2: Misdirect. Step 3: Scrape the cheese off your cheesy-ass deck. Step 4: Misdirect. HOW TO SUCKER SOMEONE INTO PAYING FOR PICKUP GAMES-cancelled- (ed.) HOW TO CHEAT YOUR GUESTS (IF YOU ARE A SHERATON HOTEL): By Hannibal Step 1: Advertise 24-hour room service. Step 2: When they ask for room service, tell them they can't have it. Step 3: Tell them nothing exists near the hotel except for the Hunger, the Draining, the Beast, things like the Beast, maybe the Beast's cousin. Step 4: Use Forgotten Labyrinth and steal 2 blood during checkout. HOW TO EXPRESS BITTERNESS, RAGE, AND DESPAIR AS LIGHT COMEDY: By Gilbert Duane Don't ask me, ask the stupid editor. And take some water in your eye from my Hasbro .45. CARD OF THE MONTH: By Ozmo This month, we'll be looking at Aura Reading. It's a good card to play at both inferior and superior. I can use both. Who am I kidding. This card sucks. The editor wanted me to talk about Aura Reading, but it blows goats compared to the Sim City Mayor card. If you don't agree, tickle me +1. (editor's note - You don't have to tickle him if you don't want to.)