The 'Zine of Malkav #3 April 2003 _______________ Chair of Contents: 1. Introduction 2. Fiction (or is it?) 3. V:TES stuff 4. Et Cetera & So Forth 5. To Be Continued ______________________________ 1. Introduction ______________________________ Yeah, yeah, it's May, not April. So my April Newsletter is running a few days late. But, once archived, there will be no way for future readers to realize that I missed the April deadline so long as I also do a May Newsletter and do not mention anywhere in the two how I missed my deadline. It is sheer jeenyus! Mwa ha ha ha ha! This issue of the Newsletter of Malkav takes a look at the upcoming Anarchs expansion. There will much speculation on the Anarchs cards previewed up on White Wolf's website (www.white-wolf.com) and a good deal of Gangrel jokes. The featured deck is the first one in my newsletters designed by me. It's not all together a serious deck, and, in fact, is based on a vampire from Anarachs that hasn't been previewed or released yet! Now, just a quick note for all you readers out there before I get into the rest of this [last] month's Newsletter. I love getting emails or newsgroup posts about my Newsletters. Let me know what you think and, importantly, what you would like to see in future Newsletters. That way I can go about making better and better Newsletters. ______________________________ 2. Fiction (or is it?) ______________________________ Waldo's Great Escape The whistling faltered upon the cold air. Waldo turned to look over his shoulder, for the seventeenth time in the last sixteen minutes. He couldn't see anyone, didn't hear them, and couldn't even smell their pungent oders upon the wind. There was something decidedly suspicious about people that were there and couldn't at least be smelt. He quickened his pace down the sidewalk and decided to take a few turns and double-backs to throw off any pursuits. A few minutes later, he was hiding within the dark shadows of an alley, peering around the corner as if he expected a large group of people to be looking for him. Failing to see any such thing, Waldo pushed his back against the cold stone of the building and began thinking. He thought about who was after him. People called him paranoid all the time, but there was someone really after him this time. No one could dispute this fact, not after the incident in the apartment. "I bet Bunny has something to do with this," Waldo convinced himself while hitting one fist against an open palm. "I was winning in Go Fish and he didn't like it. Didn't like it at all. Just like how he didn't like that rhubarb pie I baked him. Just like how he didn't like me showing him my interpretive dance. Just like him to hire some smelly people to come after me." Waldo turned toward a noturnal rodent that had crawled out from some discarded refuse to tell the vampire, quite frankly, to shut up. Unfortunately, all it could really do was squeak and give a few twitches of its whiskers. "Don't you see? I HAD to kill him! It was either him or Me, and Me wasn't going down without a fight!" The rat gave a disapproving shake of his head before returning back to its nest. Waldo babbled on a while longer until he was interrupted by the trash can next to him. "Uh oh." Turning toward the trash can Waldo inquired, "Uh oh?" "Don't look now, but They know you're in here." "They? Here? Me?" Waldo did exactly what the trash can told him not to do and poked his head around the corner to take a look. "I don't see anyone. You're just being..." a large, metal object smashed into the building next to him. It was several feet away, but it was enough to send Waldo back into the alley, away from the street lights, and cowering behind the trash can. "What am I going to do?" "Run!" Waldo turned to run, but before his feet got moving, several dark figures appeared in that direction. He proceeded to cower next to the trash can. "No, not here, you'll get us both killed!" The trash can said. "Take the fire escape up to the roof, I'll stay down here and try to distract them." "But - " Waldo stuttered. "No time. Go!" Waldo scrambled up the metal ladder just as the large and unpleasant people made their way into the dark alley from both ends. There were about five of them. One of them pointed up the ladder and the smallest of the five made his way over to it. He accidently bumped into an ill-placed trash can, stumbled, and fell over. He was forcefully pushed out of the way as another quickly made his way up the ladder. ------------- "Where is he?" the last one to make it to the roof asked. "He must be hiding up here somewhere, there's no way he could have jumped to the next roof." "Then you four spread out, I'll stay here in case he tries to go for the fire escape again." Waldo listened to all this, but he didn't dare peek over the umpula behind which he hid. He knew that he could remain unseen to the blind eyes of mortals, but he couldn't risk it with these monsters. Still, in a few seconds there would be nothing for him to do. They'd find him and he'd be helpless in their grasp and they wouldn't be so careless as they were back at the apartment. He had to make a break for it, but the biggest of them was guarding the fire escape. What chance did he have? "Maybe I can help you out." A voice said next to his ear. Waldo almost cried out, but realized that anyone offering help right about now wouldn't be with Them. He opened one eye and looked to his side. There he saw a pink goldfish with a candy-striped umbrella. "Who are you?" Waldo asked a bit apprehensively. "I'm Girbo-fin, and here's what's going to happen. I'm going to cause a commotion and you're going to get down that fire escape. Understood?" Waldo made the smallest of nods. "Good," the fish smiled, showing rows of sharp teeth. --------------- The man stood in front of the fire escape ladder that lead down to the alley below. His gaze was a constant vigilance, able to see perfectly even in the gloom of the night. His powerful right hand clenched a twisted metal rod in a titan's grip. He thought he saw something to the left, and snapped his head in that direction but nothing was there. One of his fellows gave him a sideways glance as if wondering what was happening. But now there was something to the right. No... nothing but a umpula. Wait... something strange about that umpula. It seemed to carry with it a heavy shadow. Perhaps he should call attention to that area... "What the frig!?" His attention was pulled away. Right in front of him was some sort of pink fish - and it carried an umbrella in one of its fins as if expecting rain. The outburst instantly drew the attention of the other four unpleasant men over to the fifth member. But all they saw was their boss standing in front of the fire escape with narrowed eyes. They didn't see the fish and couldn't tell you what color it was, they didn't see it swish away to the left, and they absolutely would deny any claims of their seeing it do a complicated umbrella dance while floating in the air. What they did see was their boss pulling up his twisted iron rod and start swinging it through the air. One of them had to jump out of the way as the rod came crashing down where he stood. Sparks and debris errupted from the roof where the rod had struck. When the dust cleared, the one who had done the swinging looked down at the wreckage but the fish and the umbrella had disappeared. With a snarl he whirled back toward the umpula only to see it no longer had its heavy shadow. ______________________________ 3. V:TES Stuff ______________________________ Anarachs Preview: Crypt Cards With the newest expansion for V:TES coming up, The Anarchs looks very promising. From the preview checklist provided by White Wolf itself, you can see two new Malkavians to whet your appetite: Jeremy Talbot, and Quentin King III. "Ah," you say, "Jeremy Talbot is a new vampire, but Quentin King III was already printed in Camarilla Edition. He's not new at all!" Well, sure, you could say that. But I'm sure you're already aware of the new game mechanic for Advanced Vampires. Quentin King III will be Advanced. As this newsletter is written, no official card text has been released on Advanced Quentin, but it's probably safe to assume that he will gain a bonus when you overlay the Advanced version on top of the normal one. Other Advanced vampires previewed gain a title when overlaid (Lucita and Jeremy Macneil), but Quentin King III is already a Prince. This would mean that he'll probably be getting some other nifty ability in its place! Not much is known about Jeremy Talbot right now. It has been speculated that he is the "owner" of Talbot's Chainsaw. However, it has been stated that Talbot's Chainsaw did in fact belong to a Gangrel - one by the name of "Talbot" - who went beserk and happily started a massacre. So, chances are, Jeremy Talbot will NOT have some/any/all of the following abilities: 1) You pay one less pool when equipping chainsaws with Jeremy. 2) Jeremy is immune to damage from chainsaws. 3) When Jeremy strikes with Talbot's Chainsaw the damage done is aggrevated. ------------- Anarchs Preview: Library Cards Although the card images of previewed cards seem mostly to deal with Anarchs, Barons, and reprinted Protean, there are a number of Libarary Cards in the checklist that sound fun, interesting, and/or weird enough to put into your next Malkavian deck. The following are just notes and speculations on various cards. (letters in parentheses refer to the card's rarity) Aranthebes, The Immortal - This obviously appears to be an Ally of some sort. Will it require a Clan to bring into play? Maybe it will just require an Anarch Vampire? If the latter, Mr. Aranthebes could be coerced into helping out any Malkavians who have "gone Anarch". He could team up with Muddled Vampire Hunters if his specialty is combat... Bear-Baiting (R) - That's right, Bear-Baiting! Now you can catch Bear Paw in a trap and keep him in a cage so you can poke him with a stick. Charge admission (and sell sticks) to curious Caitiff. Blow Torch (C) - Quite possibly a weapon. I can't see what other use it would have in V:TES. Perhaps: "Action/Equipment. 1 Pool Cost. Weapon. 1 aggravated damage each strike." Handy with Disguised Weapon! Body Bag (C) - This sounds too fun to pass up. But what does it do? Maybe you can put torpored Vampires into it. Or maybe it's just a garbage bag for your burned Muddled Vampire Hunters. Of course, Body Bags make good hiding places. No one would EVER look for you in there... right? Car Bomb (C) - I'm guessing this will follow along the lines of "Bomb". Maybe it's a new-and-improved Bomb! Really, I guess it will read something along the lines of: "Action/Equipment. 1 pool. Weapon. 3R damage as a strike. If the bearer strikes with this weapon at close range, he or she takes 3 damage as well. The minion with this weapon may burn a Vehicle as a (D) Action. Burn the Car Bomb after use." It would be great if they added: "May be burned when bearer strikes with a Well-Aimed Car to increase the strike's damage by 3." Carnivale (R) - This just sounds weird. A Malkavian Carnivale could be fun to attend!* Cooler (C) - A good place to keep your Blood Lite! Cry Wolf (R2) - You can only play this once per game, after that, no one believes you any more. Delivery Truck (R) - They tend to explode due to the increased number of car bombings going around. Of course, they could be the ones delivering the bombs... Drum of Xipe Totec (R) - Rumoured to give Celerity to vampires. This tends to make them Zippy. Dummy Corporation (C) - This will require Ventrue, OBVIOUSLY. They're the best corporation of dummies I've ever known. Fiendish Tongue (C2) - I DO NOT want to know how Anson uses this card. Filchware's Pawn Shop (R) - A good guess will be that you'll get to tap this card during your Master Phase, burn a piece of Equipment, gain Pool. Hopefully you'll get more pool for expensive Equipment, which would make Assault Rifles and Submachine Guns more worthwhile. Firebrand (C) - Unless this is some weirdo Ally, it's probably just a fancy way of saying a stick on fire. If that's the case, it might be along the lines of "Action/Equipment. 0 Pool Cost. Melee Weapon. Strength Aggravated damage each strike. Burn this weapon after use." Gather (R) - I have *no* idea what this refers to. What is it that vampires normally gather? Flowers? Maybe it's a gathering of a certain group of people. And "Gather" is just a funny word anyway. Ghouled (C) - I'm hoping this will let you "ghoul" your Allies. Comparing it to Hell Hounds (which are ghouled dogs), maybe your Ally will be able to regenerate 1 life each Untap Phase. Won't do your Muddled Vampire Hunters much if that's true, but it also has the possibility to increase Strength. Gift of Experience (R2) - Perhaps another way of giving a vampire your choice of a Discipline. Let's hope it's easier to use than Sanguine Instruction. Highway Haven: RV (C) - This combos perfectly with Car Bomb, if you get what I mean.** Hospital Food (C) - Is it just me, or is the Anarchs expansion really funny? One would hope you could help your Allies recover from injury with this, but hospital food is more likely to kill them than a Gangrel in heat. Maybe it will be a combat card and you can throw it at your opponent. Or perhaps it refers to doctors, nurses, and patients. Nummy! Improvised Tactics (C2) - This obviously refers the "Growl-Slobber-Bark" strategies commonly employed by the Gangrel. Into the Fire (C) - The perfect place to throw all your Werewolf Packs! ** Magazine (R) - Not the type to be read, but, more likely, the type that holds bullets. I'm guessing it will allow extra shots for guns that previously could only be used a certain number of times in combat (Sawed-Off Shotgun). Molotov Cocktail (C) - Great at parties, some assembly required. Maybe it would be something along the lines of "Action/Equipment. 0 Pool. Weapon. 1R aggrevated damage as a strike. Only useable at long range. Burn after use." We keep seeing more and more good things possible for Obfuscate combat...*** *...if you are insane. ** Yes, that's exactly what I mean. *** You like the asterix, no? ----------------- Featured Deck Deck Name: This is MY chainsaw! Date Created: May 8th, 2003 Description: Get Talbot's Chainsaw onto Jeremey Talbot. If anyone points out that it really isn't his chainsaw, tell them "It is now!" and attack them with a (D) Action. Use the small Tremere to take the damage from Talbot's Chainsaw and use Chantry to bring them back from Torpor. Crypt (12 vampires) Jeremey Talbot x6 Almiro Suarez Masika St. John Erich Weiss x2 Mustafa Ramah x2 Library (79 cards) Masters (14) Asylum Hunting Ground Academic Hunting Ground Arcane Library Blood Doll x2 Chantry x2 Fame x2 Dreams of the Sphinx x2 Dominate x3 Actions (6) Scouting Mission x6 Reactions (8) Deflection x6 Wake With Evenings Freshness x2 Equipment (6) Talbot's Chainsaw x4 Gas Powered Chainsaw x2 Combat (45) Aura Reading x9 Disguised Weapon x1 Thoughts Betrayed x4 Fake Out x9 Trap x9 Taste of Vitae x9 Pulled Fangs x4 Notes: The Combat cards are mostly Disciplineless due to the fact that I have no idea what Jeremey Talbot's Disciplines are. The one Disguised Weapon and the Aura Readings is in hopes that he at least has basic Obfuscate and Auspex. The Thoughts Betrayed has a chance to be used because there are three Dominate skill cards available, not to mention the Dominate among the Tremere. If it turns out Jeremey has Auspex, Obfuscate and Dementation, feel free to modify the Combat cards as you see fit. But, as it is, even the Tremere can take up chainsaws and use the Disciplineless combat cards! ______________________________ 4. Et Cetera & So Forth ______________________________ Last Month's Poll Q: If you found a sort-of-brown, six-legged bug with big, dark eyes in your rice, what would you do? (Choose one or more of the following) a) Eat it and anything else I found on my plate. b) Eat around it. c) Get sick and discard the entire content of my plate. d) Lament its noble sacrifice. e) Put it in the microwave to watch it do a little dance. f) I'd do something else. (Please specify) Interestingly, but not surprisingly, 100% of those who answered, some 5 people, chose "f) I'd do something else". The "something else" was usually examining the bug before deciding what to do next. --------------- This Month's Poll The last V:TES game I played was a one-on-one game using Salubri versus the Salubri Antitribu. Regardless of my Fortitude, I lost the match due to a Meat Hook of Righteousness which pretty much burned all my vampires. Q: If you were walking down a dark alley and were confronted by a man wearing a trenchcoat and wielding a flaming Meat Hook of Righteousness, what would you do? (choose any that apply) a) Make for the fire escape. b) Daunt him by informing him that Meat Hook will no longer have infinite presses by June. c) Strike: Combat Ends. d) Destroy it with first strike. e) Maneuver to Long Range with a concealed gun. Send responses to: Timmy@e-garfield.com --------------- Real Life Vampire --------------- From: "Arthur Volts" Subject: VTES ANECDOTE Date: Tue, 4 Mar 2003 16:33:46 -0800 "GenCon 2001. Last game before finalists are chosen. "I was doing very well for my first big jyhad tourney and considering I was using a poorly constructed NOS/NOS-anti deck I was ratehr surprised how many points I got. Disaster struck on this last game. the disaster itself was simply being screwed with bad draws and a pesky TOR anti bleed deck on my rear, but what happened on what would be my last turn was fairly funny. I needed a certain card to even give me a hope and surviving one more round...so...I tried to get some stuff out of my hand. "I figured I'd bring out Sargons fragment and then pray I got what I wanted. I play the card....the table looks at me..and laughs. I then lookat my pool..and realise I only had 1 left. OPPS! Totally slipt my mind. So I quickly scoop it back up, but someone gives me a hard time..so..LSJ comes over and chuckles a bit at what I did. They let me take it back and I died the next round. "Whats even more funny then that is I missed out on the finals by .5 VP. IF i had of lasted that game I would of made it in. *sigh* well..maybe next time." (email your funny stories to: Timmy@e-garfield.com) ______________________________ 5. To Be Continued ______________________________ Thus ends April's issue. If anyone points out to me that this issue was, in fact, released in May, I will simply exclaim: "It was all one big April Fool's joke!" That said, May's Newsletter will be out sometime after Anarchs hits the stores and I have had time to take a look at a few of the cards. Until then, send any comments, questions, articles, salacious offerings, humerous anecdotes, deck ideas, Gangrel jokes, and peanut butter sandwhiches to: Timmy@e-garfield.com -t!MmY, the mad !nker This newsletter was written by a ficticious person in a ficticious plane of existence. Any resemblences to any real persons or planes of existences is coincidential and utterly mpossible. 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